When I became momma to my little girl from India, I walked through a prolonged period in which I felt great anger and sadness over all that she and I had lost in the beginning years of her life. Much of what I grieved over had nothing to do with my daughter or her behavior and everything to do with the broken past that she came from. This sweet, little girl; whose personality and life choices now are hugely affected by what she missed out on as a young one without parents to love and care for her.
As her mother, it is angering. She should’ve had her momma there when she was a baby to hold her in her arms, to cuddle and kiss her; to tell her how greatly loved she is. To swoon over her cute features; her big, round eyes and smooth, dark chocolate skin. Her smile. But her momma was not there, and my almost 8 year old daughter has had to deal with the brokenness of that situation. And so have I. It makes me so angry.
In April, I brought home my son from the hospital. Carried him in my womb for 9 months. I felt like I knew him the second I laid eyes on him. I brought him home and felt a depth of joy I did not know was possible. God has given me a beautiful family – a husband, a daughter and, now, a son. What gifts!
Since then, however, the joy has become intermingled with these unpleasant emotions that have once again surfaced. Why must we all be so deeply affected by the back story of our little girl, a story which she did not choose for herself and had literally no control over??? Sometimes I wonder if God even cares that we suffer and hurt. Does He know what we’re going through? Is He aware of what I struggle with on a daily basis as I love my children in vastly different ways because of their needs and because of how unique their stories are? Does He care that I feel so guilty, when I feel like I’m constantly needing to train my daughter while cooing over the seeming innocence of my baby boy? …Is He here with us?
I have begun to be very honest with the Lord in how I feel. He knows anyway, so why try to hide?
It’s been relieving. I have been met with His grace time and again as I pour out my heart to Him, and He has buoyed me up with the Truth of His Word. Yesterday, I was reminded of excerpts from Psalm 18 as I dealt with some difficult situations between my girl and me, the questions above echoing in my mind:
“In my distress I called upon the LORD; to my God I cried for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears.”
I know He hears my cries and my pleas for help, both for me and my family.
“Then the earth reeled and rocked; the foundations also of the mountains trembled and quaked, because he was angry…”
He cares. My God cares about the plight of my daughter. He cares that we hurt.
“He bowed the heavens and came down; thick darkness was under his feet. He rode on a cherub and flew; he came swiftly on the wings of the wind. He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him, thick clouds dark with water. Out of the brightness before him hailstones and coals of fire broke through his clouds…And he sent out his arrows and scattered them; he flashed forth lightnings and routed them.”
He cares so much that He comes to my aid in the form of a mighty thunderstorm. He cares and He is here with me.
“He sent from on high, he took me; he drew me out of many waters. He rescued me…He brought me out into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me.”
God loves His children, and He is powerful to save. Only He can heal the pain and damage that has been done regarding my daughter’s past.
“The LORD lives, and blessed be my rock, and exalted be the God of my salvation–“
Some day, He will make all things right again. In the meantime, awaiting this future, I can sing with joy to my God. He is the God who cares.
I will never understand the pain and suffering of what I see around me; when I look into my daughter’s eyes and know that she hurts. But I DO know who can save her. I know who cares and who is mighty to save. I know that one day, I will stand in his presence and sing his praises for all my days. I want to live in the hope that my children will do the same.
So help me to love my people well, Lord. I know You are here and that You care for me.